A few months ago, just after the birth of my son, I had an intense heartbreaking dream. I could feel the intense grief and pain in it. But the day after I had forgotten about it again.
Until today. I saw my partner and daughter driving off, on their way to grandma’s. And then I felt an immense fear that somehting would happen to them. That they would never return…
This fear has not been unfamiliar to me. I was always scared that my partner wouldn’t return from wherever he was going. Frightened I was waiting for him. After the birth of my daughter I almost tied her to me. Too frightened to loose her. During my pregnancy I was only thinking of losing her. We have felt so much fear of losing her. And she did feel it too.
In my dream I was walking in the mountains with my husband and children. The weather became sinister. We had nowhere to go. We were high up in the mountains. And running away. My husband carried my daughter. I carried my son in my arms. It was snowing and storming. We could barely see anything. And then my husband stumbled and slipped. I was just behind him. I saw it happen. There was nothing I could do. He was hanging above the abyss. I could save them. But then I had to give up my son. I had to choose between my son and my husband and daughter. An impossible choice. I had to decide quickly, all in a few seconds. And I chose my son. As I could not imagine life without him. I saw my loved ones falling down. Into the abyss. My heart was torn. Everything was empty. I pressed my son against me. There I stood. At the abyss. I could hear the cries of their death still in my ears. I slowly continued. Tears were streaming down my face. What had I done? How could I do this? A tremendous feeling of guilt became part of me. I could never forgive myself. I consoled myself with the thought that my son and I were still together. Forever. Together. But violently torn. Separated from our other half. Which we loved so much. But we needed to continue.
We were torn for lifes. To come all together again this life. To finally heal all the pain and sorrow. I do not need to choose anymore. I do not longer need to miss them. We are here. All together. Forever. Connected. By love. We have experienced separation. To unite again. Love Is, in us.
And now I understand why my daughter can react in such a panic when bringing her to bed. Now I understand why she clings to me so much. Now I understand why it is so hard for me to let her go. Now I understand why she can be so harsh to her brother. Now I understand why my partner and I can be so harsh to each other sometimes. Now I understand why I was so afraid today and allt these other times that they would not return. Now I understand why we are all togehter again this life.
Yes, now I do understand.